


First Kisses

by tardisheart134



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Destiel One Shot, M/M, deancas one shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 10:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10384959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tardisheart134/pseuds/tardisheart134





	

Fear had lodged itself firmly in Dean’s gut making it’s home there.  It started as excitement, hope that buzzed through his being, whenever he and Castiel were alone.  Maybe today was the day that he would gather the courage to tell Cas.  But with each opportunity that came and went Dean became more anxious. His heart was tired of all the hype with nothing to show for it.  He knew in the end he only had himself to blame, which only served to add guilt to the anxiety.  Sure, Castiel could make the first move, but Dean wasn’t entirely sure that Cas felt the same way about him. Maybe, if Dean could ever make his feelings known he would have the chance to find out.  Each time he let paralysis claim the place of hope.  Dean just had a feeling that tonight would be different. Maybe it was because of how things had been so relaxed in the supernatural world.  They weren’t over the road quite as much and he found that he enjoyed domesticated life, cooking, cleaning.  Sam was out of town for a couple of days and the bunker was empty besides the two of them.  Dean had drank himself into quite a courageous beast. He and Cas had been (what he would call) flirting all night.  It started when Cas asked him to explain how to play Rock – Paper – Scissors which had (much to Dean’s delight) evolved into a game of thumb war.    Dean, breathless and flushed, gripped Cas’ hand, wiggling his thumb evasively trying to escape the angel’s strength. He was good at out maneuvering, but all he really wanted tonight was for Cas to catch him.  

Each time one of them would win, Dean would yell, “best two out of three” and giggle.  After about the 100th game, Cas stood up from the couch, Dean still holding his hand in the traditional thumb war position, not willing to let go.

“I should be going to bed now, it’s late.”  Cas tried to replace his goofy grin, with a responsible, taut expression but Dean could still see a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Good night then, Cas.”  Dean tried to copy the somberness of the angel as he stood to his feet.  He shook the hand that he was still holding.  Cas made to walk away, but Dean still wouldn’t let go.  Cas turned around to face him, a questioning look in his eyes.  

“Did I ever explain the human tradition of kissing good night?”  Dean asked.  Dean’s face was neutral, all the humor had gone out of it as he became bolder than he’d ever allowed himself to be in the past.

“No.”  Neither Cas nor Dean moved, they were just standing in front of the couch facing each other, Dean was still playing his thumb over Cas’s hand.  

“It is a very important tradition. It can even be considered rude, if you ignore it.” Dean had no idea what he was saying, any cheesy pick up line would have felt out of place, this wasn’t much better, but he continued, trying not to let his courage falter now that he’d gotten this far.  

“I don’t want to be rude.  Isn’t a good night kiss something that is shared between two very close people, like mothers and children, and friends and lovers?”  

“Uh..uh…”  Dean nodded.  “Don’t you think we are two very close people?” Dean didn’t specify whether he thought of them as friends or lovers, he hoped that Cas would put the pieces together.

“Do you kiss on the lips?  I know some cultures kiss on the hand or cheek as a sign of respect is it like that?”  

“I guess it is a personal preference, we could try it a few different ways and see what works best.”

They were quiet for a few moments. Then Dean brought Cas’s hand up to his lips, turning to kiss the back of his hand.  Cas did the same bringing their joined hands to his lips and kissing back.  Dean stepped closer and held Cas’s face in position, he kissed one cheek, then the other.  He let his face linger smoothing it across the scruff of stubble.  Cas kissed Dean back one cheek and then the other.  Dean could hardly breath with those pink, plush lips on his face.  He almost ended the night there.  His brain was already too fuzzy from this but before he realized it he was tracing a thumb over Cas lips.  He slid his hand around to the small of Cas’s back, holding him close, and then he pecked a very chaste kiss to Cas’s lips.  He pressed his forehead against Cas’s for a moment, just letting his lips hover, then he kissed him again.  Castiel was stupefied, it was  like he turned to stone in Dean’s arms, not moving away, not moving at all.  Dean continued to kiss, licking at his lips and trying to part them. Dean slid his hands down Cas’s sides plucking at his flexed muscles, trying to turn them pliant, but after a few moments of Cas not moving, not responding, not opening up, Dean stopped to look at Cas.  

Castiel stepped back out of Dean’s embrace and brought his finger up to graze his lips where Dean’s mouth had been.  They locked eyes for a moment and Dean could see the shock maybe even horror that was in Cas’s eyes.  What had Dean done?  Had he completely crossed the line and maybe ruined their friendship forever?   Before Dean had a chance to explain or apologize Cas turned and left Dean with no word.   He kicked himself, inwardly, this was Castiel, and he just messed this up.

After that drunken night, Dean made sure he and Cas were never really alone together. If for some reason they did end up in a room together one or both of them would back out of the room.  Sometimes  this led to them awkwardly bumping into each other as they both tried to leave the room first.  Sam was befuddled, but didn’t ask any questions.  They wouldn’t speak directly to each other either.  Instead they would talk around each other or direct all of their comments to Sam.  They didn’t look at each other unless they were certain that the other one wasn’t paying attention, even though sometimes Dean could feel Castiel’s eyes on him as he left the room.  The whole ordeal was sucking the life out of Dean.  He hadn’t even noticed his appetite was wrecked, until the store-bought apple pie on the counter went out of date, completely untouched and he found himself aching all over his body.

A couple weeks of Cas and Dean not speaking was starting to eat Dean alive. He started staying out late and coming home drunk.  He often reeked of whiskey and cheap perfume.  One night Cas found Dean passed out on the front stoop, too drunk to make it inside the bunker.  Also, passed out in the lawn was a dark haired, fair skinned fella.  Castiel brought out a bottle of water and after pouring half of it on the guy’s head, until his blue eyes fluttered open, Cas gave him the rest to drink.  Then he dialed a cab service.  He couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pain at the realization that Dean had brought home someone that resembled him. Maybe he should be flattered but he couldn’t help but wonder if he had just become another fetish to Dean.

“Are you Cas?”  the guy asked.

“Yes, how did you know that?”  

“About midway through our evening, he started calling me Cas.  The drunker he got the more handsy he got. He’s so beautiful I didn’t care what he called me.”

After the cab took the stranger away, Cas helped Dean into the bunker.  Dean was heavy and stumbled over his own boots, but Cas didn’t mind, it felt good to be this close to Dean again, even if Dean was out of it.  He looped Dean’s arm over his shoulder and helped guide him through the dark hallway.  

“Cas, you’re so beautiful.”  Dean slurred, his weight swaying them both momentarily into a wall, until Castiel could get them both righted.  

“S'can’t stop thinking ‘bout your lips, so soft…”  

Castiel was turning pink, even though he didn’t understand why.

“Shh, Dean, your going to wake Sam.”

“Why don’t you like me, Cas?” Dean’s voice cracked.    

Castiel felt a stab of guilt and also something like desire building in his stomach. He had been so caught off guard before.  He had no idea what to do. He had feelings for Dean, of course, but Dean didn’t keep romantic relationships for long.  Maybe a romantic friendship would be different.  Was that even a thing? Cas was in over his head.  He did want to kiss Dean, but now things had gone to shit and he didn’t know how to ask for another chance. Castiel got Dean to his bed and helped to peel off the layers of clothing.  He took off his jacket, and then his flannel shirt.  Then he pulled his boots off and let them hit the floor with a thud.  

“Stay with me, please?” Dean begged as Cas removed his jeans, leaving him in his boxers and t-shirt.

“You’re drunk, Dean, and I don’t want to be one of your one offs.”  

“Why don’t you want me?”  Dean was so drunk and uninhibited, he was almost in tears.  Castiel shushed him, pressing his hand against his chest until Dean laid his head back against the pillow.  His eyes were barely closed, just lazy little slits.  Cas disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a glass of water and two aspirin.  Dean sat up, already forgetting that Cas had been there just a few moments ago.  

“Cas.”  Dean smiled sloppily at him, his flirtatious charm, just pouring off him.  Cas thought he may never make it out of here alive.  

“Take this aspirin.”  Cas commanded flatly, sitting next to Dean on the edge of the bed.

“Why are you being so pushy, Cas?” Dean was beginning to sound like a small, scolded child and Cas couldn’t help but think how cute he was.  

“Come on, drink, you don’t want a headache in the morning.”  Castiel said this more softly and Dean did as he was told.  

Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand.  “You’re so good.” He slurred.  Cas grinned and got up from the bed, but Dean wouldn’t let go of his hand.  “I thought you were going to stay with me?”  

Castiel didn’t pull his hand away, it felt good, holding Dean’s hand, but he couldn’t stay, not with Dean like this.  “Go to sleep, Dean, I will be here in the morning.” Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s forehead and lingered there taking in his scent, until he felt Dean relax against the pillow.  “Maybe, someday…”  he murmured against Dean’s forehead.

Another week went by and things weren’t quite as tense between them.  Dean showed no recollection of the other night.  Castiel became increasingly more aware of how his body reacted every time Dean walked into the room.  The air seemed to be charged with electricity and his heart skipped a beat every time he caught Dean watching him out of the corner of his eye.   The more Castiel craved Dean’s touch the harder it became to fall asleep and when he did fall asleep he was plagued with nightmares.  He would toss and turn until the early hours of the morning before fitfully falling asleep.  Castiel wasn’t ever really afraid except of one thing,  losing Dean.  Lately, the possibility of losing what he and Dean had always shared, in hopes of finding something more, had been weighing heavily on Castiel’s mind.                                                                             

More than once, in the last two weeks, Dean had burst into Cas’s room to wake him from a nightmare. Dean usually didn’t linger long, just until Castiel was calmed.  He didn’t understand it, but somehow he felt strangely responsible for Cas’s sleeplessness.  The nightmares never happened before he tried to kiss him.  One more thing that Dean could accept the blame for. Most nights Dean came in, sitting on the bed, gently shaking Cas’s shoulders until his blue eyes blinked open.  As soon as he was awake, Dean would usually let go, but not tonight, he left his hands there holding on a little too tightly.

“What’s going on with you, Cas?” he whispered.  

“Scared.”

“Of what?”  

“Of losing my friend.”  Castiel’s voice cracked and he twisted his hand in Dean’s t-shirt.

“I’m right here, Cas.  Is this about the kiss the other night?”

Cas nodded, rubbing at his wet lashes with the heel of his hand.  

“Look, I’m sorry – I’ve been trying to summon the courage to kiss you for a long time.  It just seemed like the right time, but I never meant to make you uncomfortable.  I know that I’ve kinda been acting like a dick since that night but I just wanted you, to want me back.  Our friendship has faced scarier monsters than me and my stupid lips.  You’re never gonna lose me, okay?”  

The more Dean talked the harder it was for Cas to breathe.  He felt like he was drowning in all the tears that were brimming behind his eyes.  He loved Dean and he wanted Dean, he was just afraid of getting left behind once Dean moved on. He knew about procreation.  He’d seen the science of it down through the centuries, but he understood very little of sex for pleasure. Sure, the more human his vessel became the more those instincts rose to the surface and yes, he occasionally yearned to hold Dean for some inexplicable reason.  He would give anything some days just to hold his hand when he got the inclination.  But what if he wasn’t good at it.  What if Dean didn’t enjoy having sex with him.  What if he wasn’t strong enough to deal with life after Dean.  He’s barely been able to deal with the last couple of weeks.  

“You were afraid to kiss me?  Cas barely choked out between sobs.  

Dean brought his thumbs up to stroke away Cas’s tears.  “Of course, it’s hard to say that you want someone.  There is always the possibility that they aren’t going to want you back – point in case.”  Dean gestured at Cas.  “And when someone doesn’t want you back, it hurts, especially depending on how deep your feelings for them were.”  

“Oh, Dean, did I hurt you?”  Cas sat up in the bed, his face was all concern as he clawed at Dean’s chest like he was looking for a real wound.

“It’s not your fault Cas, you like who you like, you can’t really change that.  It is just part of the process, finding someone you want to share your life with, who also wants to share theirs with you.”  Dean was sounding surprisingly calm and mature considering how much pain he was actually in.  

“But Dean, I do, I do want you…” Cas stammered averting his eyes as he kicked a little under the covers.  “I just didn’t know what to do when you kissed me.  I just froze - what if - what if we – and then what if I wasn’t any good and you didn’t like me anymore?  I’m afraid of what will happen to me when you’re done with me.”  Cas hung his head and let his hand fall off Dean’s chest, but Dean caught it and kissed it.  

“Cas” Dean breathed his name and scattered little kisses over the back of his hand.  “We can go slow, there is so much more here then sex.  We can learn that part together.”  He was pulling on Cas’s hand like it was a life line, the only thing keeping him tethered to survival.  

“But you know all about it already. I’m the one whose learning.”  Cas couldn’t hardly even say the word sex, in Dean’s presence now without blushing a little. 

“I may know about sex in general, but there is so much to learn about sex with each other.  I don’t know what you like, what will give you pleasure.”  

They were both blushing now and Castiel felt like his stomach was tying itself in knots.

“We will have to learn each other, but that is the fun part, getting to know each other, together.”

Dean gave Cas a flirty grin, but there was so much depth in his eyes.  Cas could see that he was pleading. Cas slid over pulling Dean under the covers with him.  

“Are you sure you want me here?” Dean asked even as he wound his arms around his waist. Cas nodded. He laid his head on the pillow so that he and Cas were almost nose to nose.   “Cas.  My heart is yours, if you want it.”

Cas came closer rolling his body into Dean’s.  “Kiss me again, please.”  Dean’s stomach churned, he felt like he was trying to pass some kind of test.  If he fucked it up this time, he may lose Cas forever.  If that happened, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself.  

It was so gentle, Cas barely felt the first brush of Dean’s lips against his.  Dean nudged their noses together and Cas could feel his breath on his face.  It was beauty and torture all at once.  More feather light kisses from Dean.  Cas opened his lips angling his mouth up and open, eyes closed, just waiting for Dean to claim him.  The wait seemed to go on for too long, Cas’s eyes fluttered open to find Dean’s gaze burning into him.

“You’re sure you want this?”  Cas nodded and then leaned forward pressing his lips to Dean’s.  He felt silly, he’d never done this before, he tried to remember what Dean had done the first time he kissed him.  He tried to open his mouth, but his teeth kept getting in the way.  His brain was no help and he felt panicked like he might be having a heart attack.  He almost shut down, pulling away, giving up, but Dean caught him, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and smashing their lips together.  Dean kissed him gently sliding his tongue over Cas' lips and then paused letting Castiel mimic the movement, copying Dean.  Cas began to feel more comfortable sliding his tongue in and out of Dean’s mouth and nipping at Dean’s chin with his teeth. Then there was no more thoughts of how to maneuver.  Dean’s hands were every where pulling Cas closer.  As their bodies melted into each other and they took turns marking each other with their mouths, only one thought presided as they whispered each others names between kisses, _why had they waited so long_.


End file.
